Treading Water

Lately, it seems like I’m working hard but not really getting anywhere. I don’t feel much forward momentum. When you have an infant, you have a lot more chores-y type things to do, but rather than resulting in a clean house, folded laundry, etc. you are barely keeping it together. This isn’t a complaint; it’s an observation. We tend to have clean clothes, a clean floor, hot food, and clean bathrooms, but not all at the same time. That’s just the way it is during this phase of life.

Unfortunately, I sort of feel that way in all areas of my life right now. Maybe that’s also to be expected at this stage. I still haven’t figured out how to work out regularly. Right now, my schedule is, wake up around 6:30-7, get ready, work from 8:30-5, get home around 5:30-6, hang out with Z for half an hour, give her a bath, put her to bed, eat dinner, watch an hour of TV or read or hang out with Nate, go to bed. Wake up 1-2 times during the night to feed the Z-monster. Repeat. I take random walks here and there, and try to go to yoga during my lunch hour once or twice a week. I feel soooo much better when I have a regular workout schedule but right now that regularity is eluding me.

I think I could be more vigilant about working out, but I am trying to finish revising the novel. So if I do motivate at night, it’s to read and revise. I think I mentioned I’d cut 110 pages of the 150 an agent had recommended. I’ve now figured out how to lose the final 40 pages, by cutting five chapters. I’m fine with losing two of the chapters. Two others are breaking my heart a little (funny thing is, I don’t need them for the storyline, per se, which maybe means they can go, but they are great “extras” and contain some of my favorite writing), and one chapter I could go either way on. So … I’m finishing this read as I debate those cuts. Then I have to enter in the changes and I’ll be done with this draft and ready to send out again.

This stage is hard. Maybe it’s time to “murder my darlings.” Or maybe that little voice saying, “no, don’t kill me” should be listened to. Not sure. So I wait. I have a few days to decide, anyway. And, worst-case scenario, I can have the leaner, meaner version, and another version with the two or three chapters restored.

The hardest thing of all is that I’m starting to wonder if this has been my “learning novel” and perhaps isn’t strong enough to see the light of publication. I’m entering that “I’m done” stage where I just don’t feel like looking at it anymore. I’m on draft 9, by the way. Miss Snark once said: “Finish your novel. Then, as you let it sit and percolate (cause you DO NOT SEND IT OUT before you've let it sit and percolate) you can work on short stories. Then when you've done all ten drafts of the novel that you need to do (no, I'm not kidding), you query.” So maybe I’m close, right? Either way, I’m going to start working on my novella ideas soon. I need the fresh story lines because right now I feel like a dog with a dead chicken tied around my neck. A not very fresh chicken.

But, as I whine and moan, Zoe is great. Last night as we were playing, she rolled over a couple of times. She can sit for short periods by herself, unsupported. She has a hilarious giggle and is starting to enjoy peek-a-boo games and tickling. She recognizes and smiles at the dog. She’s also started to grab things out of my hands. And after a few hard weeks of a sleep regression, we seem to be coming out on the other side. For the past two nights, she’s woken up only once to eat, then gotten up around 6:30 for the day. I hope this continues because that means eventually she will not be waking up to eat during the night at all (please, I can dream).

We had a friend visit for the weekend and he said something funny. We were suctioning her stuffy nose so she could breathe better and Z was complaining about it. “I hadn’t heard her cry until you stuck something up her nose,” he said. She’s in a pretty good mood most of the time, and she laughs and smiles like it’s a party every day. So I think I’ll make like Z and have a good time until this draft is behind me. It’s pretty close.