I Blame My Grandmother

My favorite Mexican songs are the ones where people are crying into their cervezas or tequila, either lamenting their lost love or cursing them or lying about how they never loved them anyway. I think my unhealthy fascination with these songs has to do with my grandmother taking care of me for the first several months of my life. She listened to Mexican radio stations all the time and warped me at an early age.

While Nate and I were in Mexico in September, we were in a bar playing pool and drinking beer and tequila. We started having a very intense conversation about marriage, fidelity, vows, attraction, and other heavy topics. I was tipsy and I started crying. Not out of sadness, exactly, it was more the intensity of feeling. We were talking about our bond, how to protect it, what happens when people stop taking care with their word, and all kinds of other things. Nate got worried because I was crying (of course I did not stop drinking). I told him really, it was nothing. This was just a Mexican thing to do, to sit in a bar crying over my beer and tequila and lamenting love. We walked out of the bar, I bought some tacos from a street vendor and chowed down, and I was in a fine mood the rest of the night. At first he was confused and then he had an epiphany about me and completely understood what I’d meant. I'm Mexican and my behavior was perfectly normal.

I had one of those epiphanies with Nate once in Chicago. We woke up one weekend morning and decided to go get breakfast. We ended up in a German restaurant where a live German band was playing. I was in the mood for coffee and eggs. Nate ordered schnitzel and an enormous stein of beer. It was probably 10 a.m. At one point, I stared at him as he moved his head to the oompa music and raised his beer and I realized: he is with his people. I feel like I had a better understanding of my husband after that. And after I cried in a bar in Mexico, I felt like Nate understood me better.

So, back to my unhealthy obsession. I’ve been listening to Lila Downs’ version of Jose Alfredo’s Jimenez’s song over and over again today.

Pa Todo El Ano

Por tu amor que tanto quiero
Y tanto extraño,
Que me sirvan otra copa y muchas más
Que me sirvan de una vez pa' todo el año
Que me pienso seriamente emborrachar.

Si te cuentan que me vieron muy borracho
Orgullosamente diles que es por ti,
Porque yo tendré el valor de no negarlo,
Gritaré que por tu amor me estoy matando
Y sabrán que por tus besos me perdí

Para de hoy en adelante
Ya el amor no me interesa,
Cantaré por todo el mundo
Mi dolor y mi tristeza,
Porque sé que de este golpe
Ya no voy a levantarme
Y aunque yo no lo quisiera
Voy a morirme de amor.

Any song that says:

For your love that I love
and miss so much
Serve me another cup and many more
May as well serve me now for the rest of the year
Because I plan to get seriously drunk.

If they tell you they saw me very drunk
Tell them proudly it's because of you
Because I'll have the nerve not to deny it
I'll yell that I'm killing myself for your love
And they'll know I lost myself over your kisses.

From this day forward
Love no longer interests me
I'll sing throughout the world
My pain and my sadness
Because I know after this blow
I'm not going to be able to get up
And even though I didn't want to
I'm going to die of love.

That's a rough translation but come on. Do you even question why I cry when I was warped as a child by songs like these?

This Week in Pregnancy

Cravings
Normally I'm not much for sweets. And I stopped adding sugar to my tea or coffee back in 2000 or so. So my most unusual "craving" has been my desire for sugar. Twice this week I've added sugar to my coffee. Twice I've craved chocolate cake specifically. This is odd because I'm not much of a chocolate person. When I've wanted cake in the past, I usually wanted Italian creme, carrot, or maybe cheese cake. Also, I don't drink regular coke. But I've had some this week and just wanted that sugar syrupy taste. This is weird to me because I normally find all of these things too sweet. I guess this is fairly common, though. I've been trying to buy more fruit to see if eating more natural sugar will help. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with indulging every once in awhile, but the cravings were so fierce they kind of freaked me out, especially since I don't even like sugar that much.

Belly
Between Christmas and New Year's, my belly finally started popping out. Before I don't think I really looked pregnant. One day I was thinking, I just look like I'm gaining weight. Literally the next day after my morning shower I saw myself in the mirror and said, Holy Crap, Batman. I look like I'm having a baby.

Clothes
Due to my pooching belly, I've retired more clothes. I went to a maternity store to get a few things and found several shirts and a few pairs of pants. While I was shopping, I heard a man talking to a sales woman. His wife, he explained, was 8 months pregnant and she needed some new clothes because her old ones were too tight. But he didn't know her size. So the sales women started trying to help him. "About how tall is she? How much do you think she weighs?" He was having a hard time with all of the questions. Finally he said, "I don't know, but she is huge!" At which point every pregnant, hormonal woman turned to stare at him. If they'd all had thought bubbles, they would have read: "You would be too if you were eight months pregnant, asshole." You can label this under "things not to say when your significant other is preggers."

Movement
I have felt the baby move a few times now. It's not consistent. One of the strongest nights was when we went to Trinity Pub. Nate was really in the mood for a beer and that's a good place because there's no smoking and they have good food. There was a live band playing Irish music and the baby was doing Lord of the Dance in my belly. It cracked me up. Either she really likes music or she was responding to all the beer in close proximity. If it was the beer, she is truly her father's daughter.

Having a Girl
I think I mentioned before that I was completely and totally convinced I was having a boy. This was due to me having had two dreams about having a son. They felt very real. Also, I was hesitant about having a daughter. I was the first girl born on my mother's side of the family. All of my cousins were boys. So I grew up playing sports. I hated dolls, would wear dresses only when forced to, hated pink, and spent my afternoons running around with boys. I climbed trees, got so many scabs my mother and grandmother warned me I would regret the scars when I was older (not true), and would get chastised at school for taking off my jumper (I would wear shorts underneath) to go run and play soccer, kickball, basketball, or whatever game was going on at the moment. My girlfriends would stand and watch and wonder why I didn't mind getting all sweaty.

I was worried about having a girly-girl. There's nothing wrong with dolls, tea parties, or anything of the "stereotypical" girl activities. It's just that I was never interested in them. My fear was that I will have a child who is and I will have to feign interest. Reading "What's Wrong with Cinderella?" this past weekend also helped my articulate some of my fears.

But in the past couple of days, I just stopped worrying about it. She will be who she will be and if that's someone who wants to paint her nails and wear princess costumes and play with dolls, I'm sure that I'll adjust. Secretly, of course, I hope she often has dirt under her nails and decapitates her barbies or gives them mohawks and is better at sports than her boy friends, but that is not for me to decide.

A Good Cause

You may remember the recent news story about James Kim, a father who got lost with his family in Oregon during a snowstorm. He left his wife and two daughters in the car and went to search for help. While his family was found alive, unfortunately James Kim died of exposure. Several artists and crafters are holding a Kim family benefit art & craft auction. If you have the inclination to help, the work is beautiful.

New Year's Resolutions or Whatevers (Another Dang List)

Last year’s list of things I hoped to do:

Bump yoga from "fairly regularly" to "regularly."
I did really well with this at the beginning and middle of the year. Toward the end my attendance dropped off, but I’m hoping to get back in gear with this goal. I hope to focus especially on prenatal yoga.

Start running again.
Again, did really well with this at the beginning and middle of the year. I even decided to run a half marathon in December, but got pregnant and had to reevaluate. I don’t expect to run long distances over the next 4-5 months, but after the baby I would like to start training again if my energy and time allow. I’d love to run the White Rock half marathon next December.

Learn how to make my own candles and/or soap.
Learned how to make soap and made many as gifts this past year. In 2007, I would like to learn how to make candles and possibly take classes on book binding and paper making.

Finish a third draft of the novel and then a fourth.
Ended up finishing seven drafts! Woohoo! Currently looking for an agent.

Go to New York for a visit.
Tried to do this but our plan fell through. We were going to stay with Nate’s aunt and meet a new family member, but various trips and other people’s plans and complications prevented this. Maybe this year, but I expect we will be pretty busy and I don’t relish the thought of traveling to NYC with a stroller and a newborn.

Apply for a few writing fellowships and retreats.
Applied for exactly one! However, I’m working on two residency applications (due in January) and one fellowship grant (due in February) as we speak.

Submit excerpts from the novel to a few literary magazines.
Only submitted to one magazine (two excerpts though). Hope to submit more this year, but am focusing more on getting an agent versus getting published in literary mags.

Consider joining a writing group. (I have mixed feelings about this.)
I am going to my first group meeting on January 12. Depending on how our introductory session goes, I’ll either continue with this group or perhaps find another one if this isn’t a good fit. I’m hopeful it will be. Last year I had mixed feelings because I felt I knew what I needed to do and just needed the time to do it. I was worried that spending time talking about writing took away from the limited time I had to write. Now that I'm starting a new project, I think hearing other writers would be helpful.

Paint the living room and Den. The Den is going to be a whopper, thus the capitalization. It's a multi-phase project. Retexture the ceiling, get two new ceiling fans, add a skylight (maybe), get new French doors, paint walls, paint fireplace, saw some decorative scrolly crap off bookshelves and built-in desks, maybe get a new carpet. Looking at that list, this project might bleed over into 2007.
Did paint the living room. Calling a professional to get an estimate on the Den. It’s still a big-ass project and while we can do some of the work ourselves, a professional will be helpful.

Sod the back yard.
Sodded half the yard. We waited too long and it was getting too hot to plant new grass. We plan on finishing the yard this spring.

Find a good spot for an herb garden. (Good spot = a place where Walker can't eat the herbs. That dog eats everything.)
Had several herbs in the kitchen but I was a bad plant mommy and didn’t water the herbs enough so most eventually died. I’ll try to do better this year. Also hope to plant tomatoes and work on three beds.

Have more fun.
Definitely had some good fun.

Have more fun with clothes. I used to wear some pretty funky outfits when I was younger. Somehow I've gotten more conservative with my dress as I've gotten older. You have to ask yourself, what's the point of that?
Do maternity clothes count?

Other 2006 happenings:

• Got with child.

• Found out we’re having a girl, even though I had been convinced I was having a boy and even put money on it (and lost, clearly).

• Went to Mexico instead of NYC for our summer vacation.

• Volunteered at the AWP conference in Austin and at the Writes of Spring literary festival in Dallas. Attended the Texas Book Festival. And after having been burned out on readings after grad school and a related job, attended about a half dozen readings this past year in addition to the festivals.

• Made bread and pizza (from scratch) for the first time.

• Tried hot yoga and found it not to my liking.

• Visited friends in Austin, Brazoria, and Kemah.

• Finished my novel!!!!

• 2006 Purchases: leather sectional for the den, coffee table, Xbox 360, Honda Element, new garage door opener, ceramics from Dolores Hidalgo. (Compared to 2005, this list is not so bad.)

For 2007, I hope to:

• Clean out my office and transform it into the nursery.

• Have a healthy pregnancy and labor.

• Find a compatible doula, if we decide to go this route.

• Breastfeed as long as I can without driving myself crazy while working full time.

• Find a good day care.

• Pick a good name for our daughter so she doesn’t curse us the rest of her life.

• Eat better. I was doing so well and am now eating a ton of crap.

• Bring my lunch to work 2-3 times a week. Again, I was doing well for probably half of the year and then started eating out (and eating crap) almost five days a week.

• Start training again (running) after the baby.

• Learn how to make my own paper and candles, and bind books.

• Get to work on time (at least more often!).

• Go to Chicago for the SAIC writing program reunion and/or friend’s wedding.

• Find an agent.

• Sell novel.

• Work on draft of next book.

• Check out San Marcos as a possible city to live in. (Still in the exploratory phases; not sure if we will really consider leaving Dallas.)

• Judge less and accept more.

Anticipated 2007 purchases: new laptop, new television (When our “current” 10-year-old one dies. The picture is already on its way out.), sofa or chairs for living room, full nursery set up and assorted baby paraphernalia (stroller, car seat, etc.), French doors, two ceiling fans, at least three rugs, tile for the den (maybe), a newer, safer car for me (maybe), new desk and storage for my new writing space.

Man, looks like 2007 is going to be a busy year and heavy on the cash outlay. But it also seems like it’s going to be a good one. Looking back, 2005 was very hard in many ways. I had a job that made me miserable, Nate worked from home which wasn’t to his liking, we had one car which meant that while I worked long hours he was stuck at home without transportation, we bought a house which was great but strained us financially. In 2006, I found a much better job, we had more money, we had a second car, and we were able to work on our house because I had time and we both had more disposable income. We traveled more and visited friends. And we made an addition to our family, though obviously we won’t meet her until later this year. Overall, I would say we went from a bad year to a really good one and I have a feeling this one is going to be even better.