Catching Up
The problem with not updating regularly is when you do begin to write, you’re not sure where to start. So I’ll just start.
Freelance
For some reason, I’ve gotten quite a bit of freelance work this year, which is good and bad. The extra money has been really helpful as we plan for the baby. But the truth is, I don’t have the endurance I used to have. After working a full day, I want to come home, work out, read or hang out with Nate, and go to bed. Instead I’ve been coming home and working until 2 or 3 in the morning. As I enter my 26th week of pregnancy, I’m realizing I just can’t do this. My body can’t keep up. I can’t sit in a chair as long as I used to because my back starts hurting. I’m tired all the time, and I start worrying about the baby. So, I just finished a large, intensive assignment and I think I will take only my small, regular gigs (the ones that take only a couple of hours, versus weeks) to complete. In general, though, I plan to cut back on the freelance and will try to spend less money to compensate.
Novel
I’ve heard from a few agents who have said that I’m a good writer but they don’t think they can sell the book. I think this is code for “this needs more work.” I got some very thorough suggestions from one agent who said she would look at the book again if I made some revisions. These are big changes, but not at all unexpected. Cut the book dramatically (about 42K words, which would put me at the upper range of what most publishers like to publish in terms of length which is about 100K words), and address the structure, which jumps around in time. The cuts will be challenging, but I’m not too worried about them. The hard part will be the structure. I think I’m going to have to play around with chapters and think about them. I hope to get started this weekend or next week.
Nursery
We now have all the furniture we need, I think. My mother-in-law is coming over this weekend to help us paint. We’re doing a sea/underwater theme and painting things like schools of fish, sand, jellyfish, a submarine, bubbles, and I can’t remember what else. Should be fun. While we still need quite a few things, I’m feeling much more prepared for the baby. Meet Ollie, the first inhabitant of the nursery.
The Baby
Last week was the first time we could see the baby moving under my skin. A little surreal, but very cool. Nate had felt her move once before, when we were lying in bed spooning and my stomach was against his back. He was talking and she seemed to be responding to his voice, kicking so he felt a vibration along his back. This past weekend he felt her several times. She’s getting quite a kick on her. It startles me from time to time and if my arm is resting on my tummy, it will sometimes shoot up after a particularly strong kick.
Cravings
I haven’t craved anything too unusual. But lately all I want to eat is cheerios with soymilk, for some reason. Sometimes I will have three bowls in a sitting. I guess the craving is a little odd, but it doesn’t really compare to ice cream and pickles, right?
Dallas
Oh, where to begin. Last weekend we went to San Marcos to celebrate six years of being together. We picked San Marcos because neither of us had spent much time there and we have often talked about returning to live in Central Texas. While San Marcos is charming, Nate and I came to a realization about moving. If we’re going to move somewhere in Texas, chances are it will be back to Austin. The downside: housing is more expensive and jobs are more limited compared to Dallas. I have quite a few conflicting feelings about moving, as does Nate. On the one hand, we really like our house, we both have good jobs we appreciate, and we have good options here in terms of career, neighborhoods, schools, etc. But … but. I feel like we are “making it work.” Neither of us is excited about living here. We aren’t miserable; we’re just sort of eh about the city. Sometimes we get excited about certain initiatives or cultural offerings, but we always default to feeling that Dallas isn’t home. There is no easy answer for this, so we’re just waiting to see what the tide brings. Maybe I’ll consult a Magic 8 ball.
Friday
Thursday
Letting Go
I’ve been a bit busy lately. Lots of freelance work, trying to work out so I can stay in somewhat decent shape and prepare for labor, trying to take care of myself and the baby, yet freaking out about things like money (paying for day care will be like paying for an apartment or two decent car payments a month), or what I’m doing with my life. (Jesus Christ I’m about to become a mother, am I doing the right things? Living the right kind of life? Doing what I “should” be doing?)
I’m thinking about how I (and many people) get bogged down in temporary details. Things that won’t matter to us in a week, much less a year, but they cause stress and heartache and sleepless nights.
I’ll give you an example. I’ve been freaking out about a freelance assignment that I feel pressure to finish. I want to do a good job, but there was a tight deadline and I have been working full time, trying to exercise, trying to take care of myself, yet also simultaneously make more money. Pretty funny, huh? In the meantime, I have let my novel fall by the wayside. So I woke up around 4 a.m. this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was thinking about money (paying for day care, do I need safer car, I need to start looking into some nursery furniture, blahblahblah noise) and then I started freaking out because after my initial rash of queries, I haven’t sent any more out. So I got out of bed and until 7 or so I wrote query letters. I sent some via e-mail and some are in the mail today. That made me feel better.
Then I let other things stress me out. Work, deadlines, expectations (my own and others). And I’m wondering if maybe I’m letting myself already fall into a trap, the trap many mothers fall into. The attempt to be all these things, to do all these things, to do the “right” thing. And really, the whole situation is silly. I just want to take myself a whole lot less seriously.
Most of my worries are bullshit. My car is fine. My baby will be fine. I will find a way to get furniture and all these other things that seem so all-fire important at 4 in the morning. But even if I don’t, you know what? She won’t die if she doesn’t have coordinating baby furniture and neither will I. I have so much, we have so much, and here I am worried about how to get more, more, more. Does the room need to be “perfect” for my daughter to be happy? I doubt it. A for-example worry: How will we finish remodeling the bathroom with all these other expenses? Answer: we don’t have to. There is no need to remodel the bathroom. Just my own expectation. My own list I keep adding two things to as I cross one off.
I’m going to try to let some of these things go. Try to have more humor about things. Try not to feel the need to be “right” all the time. Do these things matter, really? When we won’t even think of them or remember them in a year?
I started thinking about the Office of Good Deeds, their Drop-a-Grudge campaign, and generally speaking, living life a little lighter. Letting go some of this heavy baggage I have taken to carrying. All by myself; no one is expecting it but me. And if other people are expecting it, you know what? Fug it. So not worth the stress over unnecessary things.
So here’s to letting go. Here’s to more humor. Here’s to being the Ambassador of Ping Pong (as the Office of Good Deeds has), or the Emperor of Ice Cream as Katy would like to be, or in my case, giving worry a big old slap on the behind and saying, “Move along. We don't need you no mo'.”
I’ve been a bit busy lately. Lots of freelance work, trying to work out so I can stay in somewhat decent shape and prepare for labor, trying to take care of myself and the baby, yet freaking out about things like money (paying for day care will be like paying for an apartment or two decent car payments a month), or what I’m doing with my life. (Jesus Christ I’m about to become a mother, am I doing the right things? Living the right kind of life? Doing what I “should” be doing?)
I’m thinking about how I (and many people) get bogged down in temporary details. Things that won’t matter to us in a week, much less a year, but they cause stress and heartache and sleepless nights.
I’ll give you an example. I’ve been freaking out about a freelance assignment that I feel pressure to finish. I want to do a good job, but there was a tight deadline and I have been working full time, trying to exercise, trying to take care of myself, yet also simultaneously make more money. Pretty funny, huh? In the meantime, I have let my novel fall by the wayside. So I woke up around 4 a.m. this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was thinking about money (paying for day care, do I need safer car, I need to start looking into some nursery furniture, blahblahblah noise) and then I started freaking out because after my initial rash of queries, I haven’t sent any more out. So I got out of bed and until 7 or so I wrote query letters. I sent some via e-mail and some are in the mail today. That made me feel better.
Then I let other things stress me out. Work, deadlines, expectations (my own and others). And I’m wondering if maybe I’m letting myself already fall into a trap, the trap many mothers fall into. The attempt to be all these things, to do all these things, to do the “right” thing. And really, the whole situation is silly. I just want to take myself a whole lot less seriously.
Most of my worries are bullshit. My car is fine. My baby will be fine. I will find a way to get furniture and all these other things that seem so all-fire important at 4 in the morning. But even if I don’t, you know what? She won’t die if she doesn’t have coordinating baby furniture and neither will I. I have so much, we have so much, and here I am worried about how to get more, more, more. Does the room need to be “perfect” for my daughter to be happy? I doubt it. A for-example worry: How will we finish remodeling the bathroom with all these other expenses? Answer: we don’t have to. There is no need to remodel the bathroom. Just my own expectation. My own list I keep adding two things to as I cross one off.
I’m going to try to let some of these things go. Try to have more humor about things. Try not to feel the need to be “right” all the time. Do these things matter, really? When we won’t even think of them or remember them in a year?
I started thinking about the Office of Good Deeds, their Drop-a-Grudge campaign, and generally speaking, living life a little lighter. Letting go some of this heavy baggage I have taken to carrying. All by myself; no one is expecting it but me. And if other people are expecting it, you know what? Fug it. So not worth the stress over unnecessary things.
So here’s to letting go. Here’s to more humor. Here’s to being the Ambassador of Ping Pong (as the Office of Good Deeds has), or the Emperor of Ice Cream as Katy would like to be, or in my case, giving worry a big old slap on the behind and saying, “Move along. We don't need you no mo'.”